Fighting the Darkside

So Ive been very hurt recently by three people that i thought i would go to the ends of the earth for. So hurt in fact that everytime their names are mentioned or i am reminded of them my stomach fills with hate and anger and i have to control myself in not lashing out at the closest person too me.
I have never experienced hate before and i am sure that that is what this is.
I hate that i hate. and i hate that i feel i have done everything if not more than what is required of me and i cannot get these people out of my life. I dont wish them well. In fact i find pleasure in their pain. And i am fighting myself in trying to do the right thing. I dont know at what point the right things count. But i need to find a way to deal with it.
I am about to go out with Carly but i am gonna continue this blog a bit later.....

ok

Another Thought

So ive been unwell for like forever now and i had a thought i wanted to share.

Im really lucky cause right now. Im not myself. Im boring. Im moody. Im emotional. Im dealing with the one thing i hate dealing with in others and especially in myself and that is im sick. Quite frankly i hate this and me cause i have no control.

And every night I get to cuddle up to Matt. Doesnt matter if ive been vomiting, if ive got diarrioa, if im exhausted and can barely move. And Ive never before appreiciated what a gift that is. TO have someone to always cuddle you. ANd i dont know what i ever did to deserve this gift but id say it may well be the greatest gift of my life...

Choices....

Well this is my fourth week straight sick. Im not peeing the right colour. Im tired all the time. Im exhausted actually. And i dont seem to get better. Ive been sick at least 8 weeks of this yr. Im beyond worried about me. And what is worse is i know what i have to do and i SOOOOO dont want to do it.

I'm gonna have to quit something... my body aint coping. Or my health is gonna quit me. Or Matt is gonna quit me. And IM soo scared. For everyone else it seems like there is an answer. But it is sooo hard. I either have to quit work or course supervising. And either seems to pull my heart strings. But i cant run around on 60% wellness for the rest of my life as well. Im losing all the joy. Im beyong generating anything...

So what to do... well i dont know yet.. i dont know... but ever since i was 15 i wanted to run my own store.... and now is my chance.... HELP

OHH DEAR

SO... lucky me.. ive been in agonizing pain for about four days. Now i dont know about your relationship with your intestines. I was not aware that i even had a relationship with my intestines until they started to swell.. and wouldnt go down. and i could barely move. Who was i to think that they had so much they wanted to say and i hadnt been listening. Im proud of me tho cause... i followed my gut... hahaha and got a secound opinion when my first doctor told me it was muscle pain. Cause without my doctor... who is i maintain the best doctor ever... i would still be in bed unable to move. Not that im a lot better but moving is a blessing i believe i needed... and i sure as hell didnt want to go to hospital.

And hopefully Telstra will come fix my line today and i will have the net at home. Im very excited about this. I might even write my thoughts more frequently....

I have watched a few movies during my sick four days... so i am gonna talk about them like tom does....

First of all i watched FLICKA....
Now i loved the book My friend Flicka. One of my faviourite horse books ever. And i loved the movie with the same intensity. The girl in the movie Katie was just as wild as the girl in the book and Flicka was beautiful. Now i know most of the pple reading this blog aint gonna go watch a horse movie but i cried most the way thru and i thought it was beautiful and it got me thinking about my relationship with my Dad. You know it always seems to me Dad is on my side. Im not sure im Like my Dad.. But id like to be. It also got me thinking about my Mum... She has really looked out for me the last couple of days and ive needed a friend. My Mum like the mum in the movie is like that. She is my friend, my confidante and she is my mum. She can see me when im not right and i dont mind cause i know she'll love me anyways. And im sure i did make my Dad proud with my decisions in my life. I loved the movie. It was about family pulling together and i do hope one day i can have a family like mine. I hope im as good a parent as my parents were.
And ..... I SOOO want a horse.. damn it.....

SO i also watched a movie called Idiocricy... im not sure that is the spelling but it was an awesome idea. I think that maybe we are breeding dumb pple. I really thought the movie hit the nail on the head with how the future is going... And with how society is going. And where we are heading our youth. I had a conversation with a friend of mine last week and he was giving me five million reasons not to have kids... and I was convinced after talking to him. Really convinced. He had solid reasons. But im not stupid and i do make a difference. FAir call my tool in landmark and some of you debate that..but i do make a solid difference to society. I really got from the movie that smarts is not the way to make that decision. If you want something stand for it. Now dont know whether i really want kids. I want family. And Matt and i have only skirted around the subject and i certainly dont want them soon. But im not convinced otherwise now.

The next movie i saw was The Illusionist. I loved the movie. It was a love movie. I got nothing else to say other than that. I loved it. And it was very clever.

A movie i suggest you all watch is A Skanner Darkly. I recommend it.

I also saw a few other movies. And i enjoyed a few but i cant remember past the above.

Migraines

Migraines arent fun and i keep getting them. I end up paralyzed in bed and now ive spent two days in the last two weeks bed stuck. It puts me behind weeks and i hate it.

Finished watching Dawsons creek. I loved that show and now im gonna miss it:(

Other than that i dont really have much to say......

the next couple of weeks will be exciting....
But Pam leaves... i dont want Pam to leave
And Sarah R asked me to be her bridesmaid. WHat an honor. And i got to talk to Peta and she is in fact... lovely....

Oh and Jesse died. My Aunties boxer. She was one of the m0st amazing dogs i ever had the pleasure of meeting. I will miss her heaps.... and she wass a dog i LOVED...

Quote

God gave us two ends. One to sit on and one to think with. Success depends on which one you use; heads you win -- tails, you lose!

i got this quote sent to me and im so impressed with it.

Thanks Chee Choy

so im a lot calmer than when i wrote my blog drunk. Maybe i shouldnt write blogs drunk.. but heh what the heck.....

Got a weekend off.. feels like its a miracle...
\

Drunk at Toms

I have had a real hard time the last couple of weeks,,, Damn mat did the forum.. do you think he g ot anything out of it??? well i dont know.. but i hAVE NEVER Been told ive been hated so many times in one weekend.

AND im supposed to understand????

MAn and he is SMOKING out there with them now.. .what a damn loser...

Im so sick of trying to be a clearing.. trying to be there for others... WHEN is someone gonna be there for me.. damn gary is off and not forgiving me for wanting him to have a good life.. Oh im sorry i want you to have what you want more than you and matt just dont give a shit. Its all about him.. well ok.. have it be all about you ... man poor you .. poor poor pple

i Havent seen tom in ages,... got to spend some time with him lately.. i think i need bhodi as well.. i love my boy friends more than i can ever tell you .............

I feel caged,.. by maccas by matt.. by what is expected and landmark...there are only so many hrs in a day.. i cant do everything. what about having fun/??? when do i get to have fun again.. soi im glad im here at toms... maybe ill just keep drinking till i forget.. mature i know but what else am i supposed to do right now... really.. im safe here... and it will be fun no matter how bad it gets... im looked after... TAhlia is awesome like i remember and my sis and gaf gaf is here...

Im so damn disallusioned.. i dont even know what i want anymore... it really sucks.. i wish i knew even who i was at the moment.. and i dont.. I DONT even know what shift i have tomorrow.. that sucks.....

ANyways .. i wish all you who read this well... im ok.. dont worry:S ill make it thru and ill prolly be fine by tues.. why tuess... well why not/?????


Ang